Self Help And Education Blog

Grief is a part of the healing process when you have experienced any kind of loss. Getting past that grief, whether it is over the loss of a loved one, a relationship or a job, and moving on with your life may leave you feeling like a stranger in a strange land. The familiar may seem unfamiliar and the routine may become a challenge when you are filtering everything through the haze of sorrow and confusion brought on by grief.

You need to keep in mind that even during your moments of greatest sorrow, you are not alone. Remember that you are eternally in the presence of God's divine love, which fills any void temporarily left by grief.

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No one is perfect. We all do things that we must learn to do over or that we desire to change.

Each of us find ourselves in situations where we wish we had handled it differently, done it better, or said it more respectfully.

When you find yourself in these situations, you must learn to take from them the wisdom and knowledge that will help you to move on to the next level in your life in a positive manner.

The lessons that you get from such situations allow you to grow in various aspects of your being, particularly, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

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Are you wondering if the pain will ever cease, if the emptiness will ever leave? Will life ever have meaning again? You may not think so now, but the answer to all three questions is an unqualified yes. And there are millions of people who can vouch for that fact.

But that does not mean you will be your old self once again. Nor does it imply that you will be somehow totally free from the anxiety of your loss experience. There are a constellation of variables that determine the intensity and the length of grief. They range from the type of death, number of secondary losses, and degree of emotional investment in the deceased to your coping behaviors, health, social support system, and expectations, to name just a few.

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How can anyone cope with the death of more than one family member when those deaths occur in a short period of time? What happens to the person who is grieving the death of a loved one, then losses a job, and has to move from their home or apartment because of financial conditions? Multiple losses occur more frequently than most people realize and they can complicate the mourning process.

To begin with, it is important to recognize that we grieve many changes in life other than the death of a loved one. The break-up of any close relationship, divorce, incarceration, geographical relocation, children going off to college, destructive fires, workplace changes, or the loss of family heirlooms can bring a strong grief reaction. In most instances, these losses can bring a cascade of emotional responses as strong as those associated with the death of a loved one.

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“Who do you need us to beat up?” one teen asked another. It was a type of field day at the high school, and there was a small group of youth gathered around a friend in tears. “Yeah, we’ll take care of it,” another one agreed. The tears continued, silently, while the grieving girl held onto her friend’s sleeve. I had been looking for one of the students in the group, who had not returned to her assigned spot after lunch, and found them in their current state. They had filled me in on the offense which had precipitated the emotional responses of everyone involved.

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I never had a chance to say goodbye to my husband when he died at his parents’ home. They decided not to include me any more in their family life. I was informed of my husband’s death three weeks after he had already been cremated. I did not receive an invitation to his funeral. His ashes were scattered without my presence, knowledge or approval. His urn was not given to me, even though I had a court order to receive it.

How can I say goodbye to a man who was my husband for almost a decade? In the beginning I found it difficult to find a cemetery where I could have a memorial for him without going through the funeral and burial arrangements. I also started to question my own desire to create a memorial for my husband. After all, he had cheated me and died on me. My marriage was a triumph of his bachelor life.

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It’s a dark and stormy night, November 11, 2000. The Saw Mill River Parkway is an asp of a road that snakes to a narrow hollow in front of Reader’s Digest. A speeding motorist cuts sharp right, forcing a driver to lose control of his car. The 25-year young driver isn’t wearing a seat belt. And as the motorist disappears into the shadows, the Pontiac flips and rolls like a dime. Its driver rockets out a side window, 40’ through the air, into a tree.

Fast forward to August 22, 2006. Not a cloud in the sky. I’m headed to New York – Just boarded an express to Grand Central – To a Charles Cortes, Inc. job site. 35 minutes later, I’m on 42nd Street hailing a taxi. At 71st, I tip the cabbie two bucks, check my belongings, step out into the sunshine, and dial my cell.

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Have you forgotten all about your physical needs since the death of your loved one? Perhaps you have lost all interest in life. Are you afraid to focus your attention on anything other than the deceased, because you believe to do so means you are being disrespectful?

Forgetting the self and thinking that any form of enjoyment when grieving is wrong, causes millions of mourners unnecessary suffering. The beliefs that fuel these behaviors exist and are reinforced based on a lack of information about the nature of the grief process.

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Spring was in the air and so was hope. My mother-in-law had been turning darker shades of yellow since December. Now there was reason to believe she would improve: doctors were going to operate. We knew it was a long-shot, but nonetheless, we were hoping to keep our dear friend, mother, and wife if only for a little longer. With the scheduled surgery approaching, family and friends pulled together in prayer and fasting for this great woman of faith. Of course, my husband and I participated in the emotional, spiritual, and physical preparations.

“How is your mother-in-law?” a concerned woman asked at church.

“Not well,” I admitted, “but they are going to operate. We are fasting and praying; our hopes are high.”

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