How To Say Goodbye To A Troublemaker?
I never had a chance to say goodbye to my husband when he died at his parents’ home. They decided not to include me any more in their family life. I was informed of my husband’s death three weeks after he had already been cremated. I did not receive an invitation to his funeral. His ashes were scattered without my presence, knowledge or approval. His urn was not given to me, even though I had a court order to receive it.
How can I say goodbye to a man who was my husband for almost a decade? In the beginning I found it difficult to find a cemetery where I could have a memorial for him without going through the funeral and burial arrangements. I also started to question my own desire to create a memorial for my husband. After all, he had cheated me and died on me. My marriage was a triumph of his bachelor life.
I felt like I would be celebrating his unfaithfulness and external marital affair if I spent time thinking about him and glorifying his life. There was a time when I thought that if there was someone who needed to be put on pedestal and to be given a medal, it was me, not him. I felt that I was so right.
Finally an opportunity arose to buy a tree for my husband’s memory. I thought about the available tree selection for quite some time. My choice was a crab apple tree.
When I visit the apple tree in a woodland burial site, particular words come to my mind. For my own sake I have learnt to practise forgiveness, and sometimes when I am looking at the apple tree I say to myself: “I forgive you .”
Why do I do it? Because I can. The same grief which paralysed me earlier on has given me the power to move on.
Copyright 2007 Kristina Julin-Stringer http://www.howtogrieveatroublemaker.com
I lost three family members in 2005 including my husband. My in-laws did not want me to know about my husband’s death and they cremated him without letting me know. After challenging them they reluctantly told me about his last resting place. After my husband’s death I also found out about his infidelity.
While my life has been a remarkable odyssey of survival, these articles have been written as a triumph over adversity and a tribute to the power of faith. I have dedicated these articles to an apple tree, which has been planted for the memory of my husband.
